If I Fell
by Adarian
Summary: Adair Cousland finds himself attempting to court his fellow Warden Alistair, who has some deep emotional hangups about getting together with him. When they do connect, the political fall out threatens to ruin their relationship. Written for a kink-meme request, but has been greatly expanded here.


"I thought I'd find you here."

Alistair looked behind him, his hands still clasped in prayer. He murmured something quietly before standing up. Cousland smiled at him softly, leaning against the wall as the man met his gaze.

"Well," Alistair joked, "It was either this or try to find my old spot in the barn to hide in, but the mabaris feel I have worn out my welcome."

"You have a bed in the castle," Cousland reminded, "You should get some rest. It's been a long day."

"It's been a long few weeks," Alistair whispered quietly, "Duncan...Ostagar...Maker, the things we've seen...I thought I was losing it in Haven, but now...Adair, Adair, they want me to be king. Who am I to be king? How could I possibly be any good at that?"

Alistair sighed, "I'm sorry. I know this hasn't been easy on you either. Duncan told me, right before I met you. He told me about your family. You haven't said anything this entire time. You can't possibly be that calm about all this. I keep falling apart and you just hold it together while I complain. How do you do it?"

Cousland glanced up at Andraste's flame and said quietly, "I just haven't had time to mourn. This is the longest we've gone without someone trying to kill us in a month. I just keep going, keep moving. We can't both fall apart. So you can mourn for now. When the Blight's over...well, then it'll be my turn."

Alistair murmured, "I'm being selfish."

Cousland touched his cheek gently, "You're being human."

Alistair flinched and looked away.

Cousland withdrew his hand and said softly, "You can talk to me, Ali. I understand. I understand what you're going through. There's just the two of us in all this mess. Don't push me away now."

Alistair whispered, "I'm sorry. I can't...this isn't right."

Alistair turned to leave. Cousland wanted to run after him, but he hesitated. Anything he might argue wouldn't mean the same to Alistair. When Adair's family had realized, even when he was quite young, that he had crushes on little girls and little boys, they had thought it an amusing quirk and nothing to be ashamed of. But Alistair had years of the damn Chantry drilled into his head, coupled with years of Arl Eamon reminding him of the importance of blood lines.

But they had lost so much. There was something right there, something growing in all that darkness, like a single rose on a wilted bush. He was angry with Alistair for pushing him aside. They had both lost everything. That didn't mean he had to throw away this too.

Cousland went back to the castle alone, ignoring any servants who came to his attention. He locked himself in his room and stripped off his finery. He washed his wounds quietly in front of the mirror, thinking of their next course of action. They still had the treaties to call upon. It would get Alistair out of this place for now. The longer he could keep him from Eamon, the longer he had a chance for some peace.

He finished his task and put on a clean shirt, stripping down into some loose pants for sleeping. He had just finished cleaning his teeth with charcoal when he heard a knock at his door.

Cousland groaned, going to tell the servant off, when he opened the door and saw Alistair standing in front of him. He walked in silently and closed the door behind him.

Alistair said quietly, "I'm not like you."

Cousland said nothing as Alistair paced.

Alistair said, running his hands through his hair, "You can pretend like everything's going to be fine. You joke around with me. You...you flirt with me. You act like everything we do is going to turn out for the best but it hasn't. We nearly lost the Arl, we nearly lost Redcliffe and then Haven...how can you pretend that didn't affect you? The spirit looked into your soul, and you said you felt nothing. This...flirting, this joking around...you make it sound like it's not a big deal, but it's a huge deal because..."

Alistair stopped and looked at him, his brown eyes large and soft, "If I fell in love with you...how do you think that would work out? Even if we both survived the Blight...I can't marry you. Maybe if we were just two Grey Wardens, it would be okay, but...I can't ignore everything else I am. The kingdom would revolt if they found out about us. I would be turning my back on my country, my faith, everything I was ever told was good and right. And you act like I'm just being a tease and you don't realize...I've lost everything, Adair. If I fell in love with you, I'd just lose you too."

Cousland didn't think before kissing him. His lips felt perfect underneath his, his skin perfectly beneath his hands as he pulled him closer. He gasped for breath, his forehead resting against his.

"Tell me to stop and I'll stop," he whispered.

Alistair kissed him back, moaning into his mouth. Cousland grabbed the back of his head, pulling him closer as he kissed him hungrily. Alistair's hands went at his clothes, pulling his pants down eagerly. They tossed their clothes to the ground, their hands grasping at the other desperately. Cousland reached into his saddleback, grabbing a vial of fluid. He coated himself quickly before Alistair kissed him again. Cousland pushed him against the wall, his cock pressing against his ass. He pushed inside of him with a groan and Alistair held his breath. They linked hands against the wall as Cousland thrust. Alistair moaned and Cousland kissed the back of his neck, his hand reaching around to stroke him.

Alistair groaned, bucking back onto his cock. Cousland grabbed the back of his head, his fingers grasping at his hair.

He grunted before whispering in his ear, "I love you."

Alistair panted, "Maker, Maker..."

At the sound of Alistair's voice, he came quickly, spurting and bucking into him. Alistair sighed and Cousland carried him over to the bed. They fell into the sheets together, kissing desperately before Cousland pushed his legs apart and took him into his mouth.

Alistair whimpered, his hands in Cousland's hair, gently pushing him up and down as he sucked and licked. Alistair's hands grabbed at the sheets, his legs shaking as he grunted, his seed spilling down his lover's throat.

Alistair pulled him up to him, kissing him before they fell into the bed together. They held each other closely, rubbing against each other as they cried between kisses. Finally, Cousland held his face in his hands, stroking away Alistair's tears with his thumbs.

"I normally last longer than that," Cousland apologized.

Alistair kissed him and the pair rested their foreheads against each other's.

"Are you okay with what just happened?"

Alistair chuckled softly, "The Chantry says I should have been struck with lightning for sex outside marriage...maybe even twice for being with a man, but Maker...you are so beautiful. I...I love you. This feels right. This feels like this is a good thing, maybe the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Alistair pulled him onto his chest, stroking his hair gently.

Cousland felt himself start to sob and he apologized, "I'm sorry, I'm happy, I'm just-"

Alistair murmured, kissing the top of his head, "It's okay. It's your turn now. I'll take care of you, like you take care of me."

He cried quietly, Alistair holding him tight to him. He felt his body relax, the warrior cupping his face with his hand. They nestled into each other, both their breathing slowing as they fell asleep together.

oOoOo

"Adair."

Cousland turned his head, his heart pounding as he saw Alistair before him, safe and unharmed. It took every ounce of strength to stop himself from pulling him into his arms and kissing him before everyone in that room.

Alistair stepped forth, holding him at arm's length, trying not to grin, "When they told me you were at Fort Drakon...Maker, I'm so glad you're alright."

"I'm fine," Cousland said softly, glancing at Arl Eamon in the corner.

Alistair let go, clearing his throat before he stepped back.

Anora smiled, "It is good to see you, Warden. You were so valiant, sacrificing yourself to let the rest of us go free. I am glad to see you unharmed. You should get some rest, I imagine the ordeal has left you rather fazed."

Cousland nodded, "If I might, I would retire. We will plan our next steps in the morning. Good evening."

He did not look back, but he could feel Anora's eyes burning a hole through the back of his head. He went straight to his room, locking the door behind him. He took a few deep breaths, resting his head in his hands as he sat down on the bed. Cousland had been right to leave Alistair behind at the Estate. If he had been captured...Adair would never have forgiven himself, first for putting his love in such danger, but for his own reactions. When he was in prison, he would have told them anything, promised anything, if it meant that Alistair was safe.

He curled into the bed, the Mabari snuggling in beside him. His head pounded as he tried to fall asleep, his body aching. He longed for Alistair to be sleeping beside him. They had barely looked at each other since arriving in Denerim, mainly at Cousland's insistence. He wanted to give Alistair the best chance he could at the throne, even if he was still on the fence about wanting it.

But that didn't make it any easier. Adair had no idea what was going to happen in the next few days. If Alistair was to be king, it was probably over for them, despite anything he had promised.

He woke suddenly at a knock at the door. His heart raced and Max rose, sniffing at the door before barking quietly. He returned back to Cousland as he stood, stumbling towards the door. He opened it, seeing Anora standing on the other side of the door.

"Good evening, my Queen," Cousland said, flushed, "Is there something you need of me?"

"You could invite me in," she teased.

He hesitated before opening the door further, closing it behind him as she came to sit in front of the fire.

"I've come to discuss your allegiance to your fellow Warden," she said kindly, gesturing for him to sit across from her.

He did so.

She continued, "While you may be fond of Alistair, I think you might have the same hesitations about him being King as I do. He's inexperienced, he's young, and he's...soft. He is a good man, that is without question, but do you think he is ready to rule Ferelden?"

He asked, "Are you asking me to support you?"

She replied, "I am. Now, I am not stupid. I know Ferelden isn't comfortable having a single woman without real lineage on the throne. So I propose an alliance."

Cousland raised an eyebrow as she continued, "I see that you're the real mind between the two of you. You're of royal blood, trusted by the Landsmeet, and I must say, handsome enough to tempt me. Now, I would settle for trying to marry Alistair, but I suspect he's the kind to marry for love and not ambition."

"And you think I am?"

"I don't know what you are," she said smiling, "You puzzle me. At first I thought you kept Alistair out of the action because you thought him incompetent or disliked him. But now I am not so sure. In my first impressions of you, I see you as a man who does what needs to be done to protect the ones he loves. Do you not think that being Prince-Consort of Ferelden would help that?"

"My family is dead," he said quietly, "The Wardens are wiped from Ferelden. There's no one I love left to protect."

She smirked, "Now surely that can't be true."

He stood, "You've made your offer. I'll think it over. Please, I just need some rest."

As she rose, Anora said, "I would advise you to give it a lot of thought. I have power in this kingdom. You will need my support to end this civil war. You might want to think about exactly you're willing to do for your country."

She left and he closed the door behind her, locking it again. He closed his eyes, trying to assess the level of her threat. She suspected, but she didn't have any evidence. She was trying to blackmail him, but she didn't have enough yet. She was waiting for an admission and he wasn't willing to give one.

He hoped Alistair wouldn't fall for it either. It wouldn't be hard for her to go the next room over and give a similar speech.

He went back to bed, pulling the covers over his head as he tried to sleep.

oOoOo

Emotionally exhausted by the troubles of the Alienage, Cousland could barely muster the strength to get back up the stairs to his room that next night. He had barely said a word to anyone in his party, and had only briefly glanced at Alistair. His party didn't say anything. He had been remarkably somber since they had arrived in Denerim, it was nothing out of the usual.

But clearly Alistair had noticed.

Cousland heard a knock at his door, just as he was dressing for bed. He hesitated. He knew who would be on the other side. If he ignored it, maybe they could avoid the conversation, maybe he could protect Alistair for just a little longer.

But he missed him too much.

He opened the door and Alistair closed it behind him, locking it. He kissed Adair harder than he had ever been kissed before in his life and he practically swooned.

"Alistair," he murmured, "You can't be here. What if someone saw you?"

"Damn them," Alistair groaned, reaching for Cousland's stays, "I thought you were dead and you come back, and you barely look at me, won't touch me. I can't stay away from you. I need you so badly I might go mad without you."

Cousland moaned happily underneath his touch, letting Alistair take the lead as he stripped him naked. Adair hesitated, stopping Alistair from taking off his own clothes.

"We shouldn't," he whispered, "This isn't the time...Maker, Alistair, I think Anora knows. If she heard us, if anyone heard us-"

Alistair silenced him with a soft kiss, holding him close to his chest. Cousland softened to his touch, resting his head on his chest. Alistair moved quietly, taking off his clothes and laying them down by the foot of the bed. They watched each other in the moonlight before Adair reached for him, taking his cock into his hand. Alistair stifled a sigh, holding him to him.

Alistair picked him up, carrying him to the lounge in front of the fire. He kissed him lightly before going into Cousland's satchel and picking up a bottle of oil. He coated himself quickly and came back to his lover's side. Adair hitched his legs around Alistair's hips, biting down on his own hand as Alistair pushed inside of him. Alistair kissed him softly, holding him close as he thrust. Cousland put his hand in his hair, pulling him close as he tried not to cry out. The other hand went in the tight space between them, touching himself desperately, though Alistair's body thrusting so close to his own cock was nearly enough for him.

Alistair's legs buckled slightly and he pushed Adair harder into the seat, pushing with all of his strength. He groaned into his mouth, his hands roughly around his face as he slammed into him.

"I love you," Alistair whispered, "I love you so much."

Cousland tried to reply as the door slammed open. They both froze, seeing the key in Erlina's hand and Anora and Eamon standing in the doorway in surprise. Alistair stood, covering himself with his hand long enough to pull his pants back on and throw Cousland's to him. He dressed quickly as Eamon shut the door behind him, leaving the two women out in the hall.

"After you left for the Alienage, Erlina told Anora she had seen the two of you together. When the Queen told me her suspicions, I thought she was making a pass at the crown. I know Alistair, I said to her, I know he wouldn't do something so reckless and foolish...and here I see you, boy, I see you with this...this..."

Alistair instinctively stepped in between Cousland and Eamon.

Alistair said softly, "I love him."

"What does that matter?" Eamon scoffed, "Don't you think your father thought he was in love with the scullery maid who bore you? Men delude themselves into all sorts of things in order to justify whatever they want. I understand some young man experimenting, but you are to be king. Do you know what will happen if Anora goes forward with this story? It will be the ruin of everything, Alistair."

Cousland felt trapped and he looked to Alistair, who seemed to be faltering.

Eamon replied, almost gently, "Alistair...let us speak privately, as we once did. You trusted me before, can't you trust me now?"

Alistair nodded and, without looking at Cousland, asked, "Can you leave us alone for a minute?"

Adair tiredly took his shirt and walked out into the hallway. Anora stood a few feet away, smirking to herself behind her hand.

"I really didn't think that would be this easy," she chuckled.

"You listen here-"

Anora replied gently, "I warned you. I will do anything to protect my country. Who does this hurt now? You'll get what you want. Alistair will be all yours, you've made your choice. It's easier this way, isn't it?"

"What did you say to him?"

Anora smiled softly and said, "I told him about Cailan. I told him how I missed him, what being married to him was like. I told him how much he reminded me of my husband. He held me while I cried on his shoulder. Then I let him go."

"You manipulated him."

"If was to be king, he would have faced a lot more manipulation. It was a test."

They both glanced as the door opened and Eamon walked out. Cousland glanced at Anora before going back into his room and closing the door behind him. Alistair sat at the edge of the bed, crying almost silently.

Adair knelt in front of him, holding his face in his hands.

Alistair whispered, "I have to marry her."

Cousland's face fell, "No. Please...I..."

"What would you have me do, Adair?" He asked angrily, "Because if you have some brilliant idea, now would be a good time."

"What do you want to do?" Cousland asked gently, "If you could choose anything, what would you choose?"

Alistair's face softened, "I want to grow old with you. We've only got maybe thirty years left, I want to spend them with you. I want to end this war, this Blight, and then I just want to be with you. Maybe we'd go back to Highever, maybe out in the forests. I always imagined I have kids...but that doesn't seem likely at this point. I'm so tired of fighting. I don't mind serving my country, I don't even mind being a Warden, but it seems like I keep having to give little pieces of myself and I'm worried...I'm worried there won't be anything left of me to give."

"Do you want to be king?"

"No, but I have to."

"Please," Cousland whispered, "Please don't do this to me. I wanted you to be able to choose for yourself, what you wanted. If you were going to be happy, then I didn't care, but Maker, don't do this. Don't marry a woman you don't love, don't let them make you a puppet. They're using you and you're just letting them."

Alistair said softly, "I was being selfish. We both knew...I knew that this was never going to end well. How could it?"

"Please don't leave me," he choked, "I thought I could do this, I thought I could-"

Alistair sat down on the floor beside him and held him. They stayed in each other's arms without speaking, simply listening to the other breathe.

After a time, Alistair stood, kissing the top of his head. He said nothing before he left, closing the door behind him.

Adair knelt, feeling as if he was about to completely unravel. He was exhausted and utterly, utterly alone. In a last attempt to comfort himself, he took himself in hand, crying as he came, sobbing quietly as he tried to forget Alistair above him, Alistair whispering that he loved him.

oOoOo

The Landsmeet met in the early morning. Cousland arrived with the rest of his party, Alistair already gone ahead without them.

They entered the hall, listening to the debates, the concerns of the nobility. Cousland felt no kinship here. These people had left his family to die without a word of regret or remorse. He didn't care what they had to say.

But he couldn't take his eyes of Alistair, dressed finely in a golden suit of armour, standing beside Arl Eamon silently. When the fighting began, he ran to his side, keeping his back to his. In the chaos, he felt his hand brush his.

Loghain called the chaos to order and called for a duel. Cousland didn't even look at Alistair before stepping forward. Loghain smiled, almost kindly, as he walked towards him. The first blow Cousland met easily, bringing his shield forward. The second he missed, sending him tumbling to his knees. He jumped out, twirling back, striking the old man in the shoulder. They kept their pace for a time until Cousland missed a block and was disarmed, his shield skidding across the room. He looked up in fear, keeping his sword arm in front of him, his other hand throbbing. He glanced back at Alistair, missing the next blow, which knocked him to the ground. Loghain stood over him, kicking the sword away. Cousland closed his eyes and waited for the final strike, but nothing came.

He looked up, seeing Alistair stand between him and Loghain, his sword drawn.

"We did not agree on seconds, boy," Loghain reminded, "Let your Champion finish the fight he started."

"You will not have him," Alistair said firmly, "Not while I live."

The crowd was shocked as Alistair lunged forward, attacking furiously. Cousland got to his knees, his heart pounding as he watched Alistair fight recklessly and foolishly until the old man was on his knees, begging for him to stop. Cousland closed his eyes before Alistair executed him right there and then.

He realized he was trembling when Alistair returned to his side and offered his hand. Cousland took it timidly, in awe as Alistair helped him to his feet, his hand gentle against the small of his back.

The nobles gossiped amongst themselves, the crowd loud and irate in front of them. Alistair did not stir from his side, his hand still on his back. Cousland looked at him hopefully and Alistair smiled.

Alistair addressed Anora, "I am sorry for the loss of your father, I am. Queen Anora, I retract my claim. You are Queen of Ferelden. I swear to you and all the Landsmeet that I give up my birthright. May you rule long and fair, your Highness."

Anora nodded her head and said quietly, "Thank you."

Alistair bowed his head, walking out of the Landsmeet with a quiet smirk. Cousland stood, watching with bemusement. Eamon glared at him, storming after Alistair.

oOoOo

Cousland waited anxiously outside Eamon's study, pacing back and forth before the door. When it opened, he jumped nearly a foot in the air and tried to smooth out his hair. Alistair walked out, smiling, as Eamon slammed the door shut.

"What did he-"

Alistair silenced the question with a soft kiss, holding his face in his hands. Cousland started laughing, kissing over his face affectionately.

"So what now?" Cousland asked breathlessly.

Alistair said softly, "Now we stop the Blight, you and me."

"And when it's over," he replied, "You and I will go to Highever. I'm going to spoil you rotten on every fancy cheese ever discovered and comfy beds. Then we can go hunt darkspawn if you want, but if you're enjoying the domestic break, then we'll stay there. For as long as you want."

Alistair smiled, "Okay."

They heard a few servants giggling behind them and they smiled. Alistair waved cheekily and they laughed, moving on with their work. Adair gave him a quick kiss and they walked down to lunch, hand in hand.


End file.
